I am writing you with a once and a lifetime opportunity. An opportunity that you shall regret forever if you do not indulge your urges, as well as mine.

You NEED me for the Jane Torpedo Reality TV Show. You may be wondering, yeah, we get letters from thousands of anorexic white girls a month, so why should we care about this Jane Torpedo? But let me tell you, I am different.

You can pigenhole me anyway you like. I dont fit into the format of your regular shows. I have characteristics that shall appeal to your target audience demographic. These ever so flattering qualities include:

- homosexual

- 23

- vast knowledge of popular culture

- well developed sarcasm & sense of irony

- enjoys road trips

- ready for product endorsements

- disgruntled & disillusioned

- honed sense of style

But let me tell you more about myself. Last night I went out drinking with my friends and ended up crooning on the floor to my cat, and suddenly noticed a cut on my arm, the orgin of which I have yet to decipher. I am spontaneous and really messy and a lot of fun. My friends tell me that I should be a stand up comedian.

Of course, my entire family is dysfunctional to the max. Our trials involve eating disorders, suicide, economic issues, abuse, political differences, etc. Oh, and of course some siblings have gone through the trials of adoption, disownment, and reunion.

Also, I'm fat and a survivor of sexual abuse and outspoken about political issues. Hollywood tends to deal with folks with me by typecasting them. And thats just fine.

I promise not to put any resistance. Just work your MTV magic and together we will blow other reality TV show ratings out of the water. I want Jane Torpedo bobble heads, Jane Torpedo Unauthorized Behind the Scenes DVD's, Jane Torpedo Screen Savers, I WANT IT ALL.

You can put me up in a posh apt, or you can film me where I live now.

Just make me a star.

xoxo,

Jane Torpedo