Friends,

Sweaty armpits under a blouse, which is under a shirt, which is under a sweater, which is under a jacket. I always thought this was a problem never to be solved, nay, even resolved. But yesterday I found my hope, my truth, my salvation. And that salvation is on sale at Old Navy for only 7.99.

You get toasty in the kitchen. Running around, searching for the garlic powder, wondering how to render your soup more tasty. In an ordinary sweater perspiration accumulates in you armpits; stinkiness ensues. Tech vests keep you warm so that you may savor the more flavorful aroma of garlic.

Your boobies get cold in the winter. The tragedy of modern American womanhood is the tragedy of sacrificing booby warmth with the desire to not smell like an overheated whore in church when you put on that sweater for extra strength booby warmth on your way to an interview that will get you away from your current employment at a desecrated nonprofit funded by the federal government.

Wearing a tech vest, your sweat glands feel freer. Your tech vests allow your sweat glands to let it all hang out. When liberated, allowed to see and be seen, your sweat glands do not raise a stink. Tech vests refuse to confine perspiration against its will. By wearing a tech vest, you liberate your perspiration. Really, now, do you have any good reason to oppose liberation theology?

So, friends, colleagues, relations, llamas, and/or objects of my past, present or future attraction, I implore you to go to your local Old Navy. The old regime of sweaty armpits in the midst of winter coldness will topple. One by one, you will give Old Navy your 7.99 and your perspiration will FIND ITS WAY TO FREEDOM!!!!!!

xoxo, Jane Torpedo